i hear he retired to an iron lung in florida

onebigdeadend @ 2008-06-08T11:01:00

2008-06-08T17:43:53Z

Lately, life has the tendency to make me want to slam head first into a brick wall at 200 km/second.

Jedi Masters of physics: is this possible?

onebigdeadend @ 2008-05-23T22:05:00

2008-05-24T00:51:35Z

I can't taste anything but I don't even care.

Tomorrow night!!!
♥

onebigdeadend @ 2008-05-02T11:46:00

2008-05-02T16:49:01Z

can a brother get an interview?

apparently, a brother cannot.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-04-23T01:09:00

2008-04-23T03:43:42Z

being able to read leisurely is pretty much making my life right now.
but it's also making me want to stick with english, despite all of my hatred for everything about studying english.
will i be forever CONFLICTED?

♥♥♥ lit.
~~♥♥♥~~ paperz and pretension.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-04-09T01:36:00

2008-04-09T04:07:04Z

oh wow, i wish i were a little dead right now.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-03-25T18:13:00

2008-03-25T20:59:11Z

this is my schedule for the next little while, pending that i get tickets to bob dylan. in the case that i don't, this is all void because i will have killed myself and won't be alive to do any of it!

remainder of this week:
get started on papers.
russian homework.
wednesday - hardcore work day, no joke.
thursday - hardcore work continued.
-library (work).
friday - try to start papers in the library in the day time.
-crime and punishment must be finished.
-michelle's party.
saturday - trailer camp show in the night.
-work on things in the day time.
sunday - library (work).

next week
monday - work on papers.
tuesday - 1200 word paper due for lockett.
wednesday - work on papers.
thursday - 3000 word paper due for lockett.
friday - steph's party.
saturday - induction thing for my dad.
sunday - who knows.

then exams.

i'm well aware that you are not interested, but i figure that if i write out everything that i have to do, i will successfully stress myself out to the point that i feel compelled to do it!

honestly, i think if i can actually muster up the work ethic required, this is all quite manageable and realistic. and i will get everything done, that is inevitable. my only concerns are about the quality of the work and quantity of stomach ulcers that i will collect in the process.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-03-03T22:27:00

2008-03-04T02:07:08Z

I hate people that do things. And by hate, I mean I am awe-inspiringly envious of them.

People who just do things, people who don't sit around and dream up all of the excuses in the world why they shouldn't do what they want to.

I am going to see the world one day, once I pull the covers from over my head and realize that I am wasting my time. I mean really realize it, not just be passively aware of the fact that I am wasting my time here, doing nothing except taking a couple of courses in subjects that might arbitrarily push me in the direction of some dead end or another.

I don't feel particularly compelled to take the baby steps in beginning my life right now, there isn't any rush.

I am so happy though. You wouldn't say it, but I am.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-02-20T00:57:00

2008-02-20T04:48:36Z

Wild flowers growing in the park
Summertime when it melts into dark
Dancing together at night until two
You're cheering me up and I’m thanking you

kevin drew - tbtf
camera obscura - let me go home
new buffalo - cheer me up thank you
This song is cheering me up so I am thanking it.
HA.

1. Red wine grows on you once you've forced yourself to drink half the bottle.
2. I am terribly obnoxious.
3. People who call Openline are fucking lunatics.
4. Being unproductive is awesome.
4b. I am cheating, I have known this my whole life.
5. I like bars and bar shows.
5b. Mot sketchy dance bars like atomic or liquid ice, but nice bars. Bars with class (ha ha ha).
6. I need to give Shelly a ring-a-ling sometime soon, and get my cardz read. no joke, I plan on seeing her at least once a year for the rest of my life. Or her life. When she dies or stops reading cards, I will be simply floundering without her supernatural guidance.

I need to leave this house for at least a few minutes tomorrow because I actually feel like I am dying or going insane or getting really sad or something. I must be the only person who hate breaks, Winter, Summer, Midterm, whatever. I feel too lethargic to even attempt to do any work, even though I have plenty to do. Being home all of the time is just draining. I don't even think I have seasonal affective disorder, I just hate the gray so much.

My life, please save it.

Other than that (and consistent anxiousness I've been feeling lately), everything is peachy.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-02-10T13:47:00

2008-02-10T17:30:10Z

wolf parade - fancy claps
broken social scene - superconnected
feist - brandy alexander
modest mouse - she ionizes and atomizes
joy division - love will tear us apart

I feel like some huge disappointment is on the rise for me. I feel really apprehensive, and I have no idea why.

Today is the type of day where I would just be content to do absolutely nothing with my life and just live passively or something. I guess that's not a very good state of mind to be in.

help plz.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-02-05T19:16:00

2008-02-05T22:55:54Z

Yesterday gave me a face-plant on the stairs, today brought falling sideways on the ice and breaking my bum when I wasn't even moving my feet.

I wonder what graceful moves tomorrow will bring.

"He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

"I've dreamt in my life dreams that stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind."

I love this book already.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-01-29T00:53:00

2008-01-29T05:10:05Z

My leg hurts, I think it's because I am tired. I don't really understand how my body works at all, I can generally tell if I am overtired if my left leg pains around the knee area. Does anyone else experience this?

1. I decided that I am going to apply to complete an Honours in English Language and Literature at MUN. Meaning my university life got like... fifty percent more stressful, due to the question of whether or not I'll even be admitted and, in the event that I am, my workload over the next few years will increase just a little less than fifty percent. A regular undergraduate in English requires that you complete thirty-six credit hours and you can just scrape by, but an Honours in English requires that you complete sixty credit hours and must maintain an average of at least seventy-five in all of your courses going toward your Honours, and an average of seventy overall. I am not worried about the overall seventy thing, but I do find the concept of having to maintain an average of seventy-five in all of my English courses slightly unsettling, seeing as I am pretty much what you would call slack. On the upside, however, this also means that I'll have acquired a slightly higher level of education, and it will increase my chances of being able to go on to Graduate school in the not-so(?) distant future. Anyway, I really need to get crackin'. At least an hour in the library from here on in, I have plenty of time so this really should not be an issue at all. But it probably will be, I am lazy and my mind wanders.

2. Being proactive stresses me out. Talking to people I barely know stresses me out. I am okay socially, only to return to social retardation after the fact. What's up with that? Help plz.

3. My nose is really red, it's sort of funny.

4. I feel a huge change coming on that I cannot put my finger on. Except it's not a feeling of dread, it's positive. I think I am mostly optimistic. I was in such a bad mood earlier. Hawksley Workman and planning for the future puts me in a good mood, apparently.

5. Hawksley Workman in March! I am so excited!

6. My eyes are burning out of my stupid little skull all of the time.

7. I need a job badly. I plan to go to St. Petersburg next Summer, and I guess I could take out a bank loan but(!) it would be super cool if I could make lots of money to go toward it before I go. Bookstores, hire me plz. Anywhere that doesn't serve burgers or anything even remotely similar to burgers, hire me plz.

8. I forget everything else.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-01-23T01:11:00

2008-01-23T04:42:30Z

i feel as though i may VOMIT EVERYWHERE.
i hate BAKING.
i like the CAPS LOCK.
kill me PLEASE.

onebigdeadend @ 2008-01-10T23:23:00

2008-01-11T03:02:12Z

school has started again full swing, as well as work.

i am pretty much exhausted already, which is kind of ridiculous. although i think that i'm just exhausted because i'm not used to being back at school, and i'll eventually get less... lazy or something.

this weekend, i am going to give my room an intense cleaning, catch up on russian, get a good start on harry potter and finish eugene onegin. hopefully, hopefully. it's a lot, but i have two days and i'm sort on a roll.

i like onegin a lot, though. much, much, much more than i expected to, i just kind of wanted to get it out of the way and push it out of my mind as soon as possible. it's funny, though, when you are reading a book and a character does something obscenely stupid and then you realize you've done the same thing on multiple occasions. somehow, i always manage to implicate myself into everything, i am egotistical, i guess.

is it weird that i am legitimately disappointed that tomorrow is friday? i am in mun loving mode, all i want to do is go to class and learn. maintaining a social life and resting be damned.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-12-26T19:06:00

2007-12-26T22:55:37Z

i have been trying to write a christmas entry for the past few days but i haven't been able to for whatever reason. i generally can't express myself at all anymore and it's frustrating, to put it mildly. christmas was happy and sad, at the same time. spending two or three hours in the bowels of st. claire's hosiptal wasn't exactly a treat, but everything is okay now so hopefully we can start really enjoying christmas to the full extent.

lately i have preferred staying home to going out, and i have no idea why. i miss everyone, i feel like i never leave my house anymore. but it's kind of nice not having to worry about how greasy your hair is all the time and just reading and watching movies and stuff like that. speaking of watching movies, i saw blue velvet today and it was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. i liked it though, it was more funny than anything else. david lynch is insane. i am on a big movie-and-reading kick lately. i can't get through books fast enough. i am reading anna karenina and i love it, i finished reading closer last night, and i am about half way through the metamorphosis by kafka. next on my list is crime and punishment, and somewhere in there i want to read dead souls by gogol. i really want to read the books i got for christmas, but i don't think i'll be able to until after finals which is in...april. hilarious. so much reading, i need to get back into the ability of reading multiple books at once, or reading and comprehending really quickly or something. luckily i am in a reading mood as of late. i just want to speed through everything so i can read the next thing.

anyway, there's nothing like christmas to reaffirm that i am so spoiled it is actually disgusting. christmas morning i wanted to cry with happiness and tiredness and disgust (with myself). i am scared to talk about what my parents gave me because i feel like the world will just pretty much hate me and i don't feel like i deserve most of it. i actually feel ridiculously guilty about everything.

all in all: i am spoiled, i cannot wait 'til school starts again (mostly because i am the biggest idiot in the world, but it's all good), i love my parents and my friends and i can't wait to get paid again because i have pretty much no fundz.

i don't know how i propose to bask in the glory that is boxing day sales tomorrow, seeing as i have no money whatsoever. actually i am lying, i have about eighty dollars, but i really shouldn't be spending any of it. i can't even think of much i could possibly want, except for thurston moore's cd, paris when it sizzles, and the umbrella chronicles. and i kind of want a volume of watchmen, but i just want to read it so may i'll just see if i can get it out of the library instead. it should be an experience, for sure. oh liiiife.

lately i think i am mostly happy. i feel really optimistic most of the time which is kind of a pleasant change when i think about my state of mind at the beginning of the month and pretty much the entirety of november. i've got a few stupid secrets that aren't even really secrets that no one wants to hear and i am happy to keep something to myself for a change because i completely forgot that i don't have to tell every single detail of what goes through my brain to everyone, even though i'll inevitably explode everywhere (because that's what i do when i am excited) and tell someone and they'll just be like, "oh". i like to keep my secrets sometimes, they keep me entertained and they are never as interesting to me when i tell them to other people and they don't care. my brain feels like it should be melting but i really feel more aware at this moment than i have felt in three or four months. i wish i could go to st. petersburg in the summer though, that'd be amazing but i'd settle for anywhere else, though.

i just really want to move, even with my parents. except i want to keep this house because i love it. i guess i want an additional house that's even half the size ours, and our house is tiny. i want a cute bathroom with tiles. actually, i don't even want another house at all. i just really want a cute bathroom with tiles.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-12-19T16:56:00

2007-12-19T20:27:20Z

I would like to fast forward to next semester so that I can prove that I am not a complete dumbass.

kthx.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-11-30T02:34:00

2007-11-30T07:03:19Z

someday i am going write a book about my life and i will call it 'everything is stupid'.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-11-25T12:00:00

2007-11-25T15:34:23Z

So apparently I may be going to the Dominican Republic next October for a wedding. And Debbie Travis is going.
Give me some decorating tipz LOL.

It was nice to wake up to blue skies for a change. Sometimes I wish my moods were more stable, and sometimes I feel really trivial and bizarre for being cheered up by the most ridiculous things in the world. It doesn't take much to make me sad and it doesn't take much to make me happy, either. I guess that's a good way to be.

I like waking up in good moods.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-11-16T00:55:00

2007-11-16T04:38:06Z

FOLK 2500-001 - Folk Literature - MWF - 09:00am-09:50am - Martin Lovelace (ED 3048)
PSYC 2800-001 - Drugs & Behaviour - MWF - 11:00am-11:50am - William McKim (SN 2109)
ANTH 1031-002 - Intro Social & Cult Anth - MWF - 12:00pm-12:50pm - Mark Tate (C 3033)
SOCI 2250-001 - Changing World - TR - 09:00am-10:15am - James Overton (ED 3034B)
ENGL 2815-001 - Intro to Lit Theory & Criticism - TR - 10:30am-11:45am - Christopher Lockett (SN 4068)

Wowwww, I'm hilarious.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-11-14T22:40:00

2007-11-15T02:13:02Z

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20071025.wtaser1026/BNStory/National/home

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20071114.wtaser1114a/BNStory/National

I hope this enrages some of you like it did me.

They didn't even know what fucking language he was speaking, but made the decision to just kill him? Alright.

This shit makes me sick.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-11-13T01:39:00

2007-11-13T05:10:05Z

Steph says:
ahahaha jesus
Steph says:
a dog getting insulted by the middle finger
Steph says:
OH MY GOD
Steph says:
WATCH THIS
Steph says:
WATCH IT
Steph says:
SERIOUSLY
Steph says:
WATCH IT
Steph says:
i found this HILARIOUS
Steph says:
ajrlkeajra
Steph says:
ok not so funny the second time

oh you.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-10-25T22:27:00

2007-10-26T01:10:58Z

If I never read again it will be too soon lawlllllz. I love to procrastinate, apparently. I'm actually such a fucking idiot, this is unreal.

At this point, I think a quick and painless death could only be a blessing. Someone please put me out of my misery.

Why do I do this to myself? :(

onebigdeadend @ 2007-10-09T21:51:00

2007-10-10T01:06:29Z

I think my Swadhisthana is broken.

in rainbows

2007-10-03T03:34:21Z

8 days! Except more like a few months. Unless I go insane and ask for the disc box for Christmas, which is entirely possible.

I have actually been waiting for forever for that song to be released on an album. And by forever, I mean since last year. It may as well have been forever.

h8mylyfe.

h8mylyfe.

AMAZING.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-09-23T17:20:00

2007-09-23T21:33:07Z

the thing i miss most about having a brain is my attention span.

goddddd, this is so awful. i really, really want to be able to get through the canterbury tales within this decade, but it's so unearthly difficult. it's so hard to retain information and keep interested in something that takes so much effort to understand. i do not deny that it's an important work of literature (blah blah blah), but i just don't even have the will. i don't know if this is what i really want to do for the rest of my life. i really don't think that it is. i never know if i am coming or going and i don't feel like i'm well prepared for all of this huge mess. i wasn't last year, and i feel even less prepared this year. i know i'll do well, but i just feel like i am wasting so much time on nothing. sitting here, writing this, thinking about nothing feels so much more productive than going to school every day. i feel like i am forcing this experience upon myself too quickly. i know that every single experience you have in your life is important - at least to some degree - but this is something that feels just about entirely unnecessary, even though my rationality disagrees. i don't even know.

i feel like there is something that i should be doing that i am missing. i hate myself for saying all of these things that i know makes sense, like you have your entire life ahead of you to make important decisions and that sort of thing. but the structure of education, for whatever reason, seems to be what holds in me in place.

i would trade pretty much all of my talents, whatever they may be, to be a mathematical or scientific genius or something. i feel so.. i don't know, unremarkable? i guess i can string a couple of sentences together half decently sometimes, but i am getting worse and worse at being able to articulate myself properly and it's frustrating the ever loving god out of me and i feel like i am seriously going insane, half the time. and besides, i don't really think i come up with any avant garde or unheard of ideas, which is integral (or at least somewhat important) in the whole writing process. it seems like everyone is at least half way competent at the things i can do, it's not anything particularly special. not that that is my chief concern in life or anything, but it does give you a certain sense of purpose.

the people with the most miserable morals always seem to come out on top, or at least what they perceive on top to be. i am extremely lucky, and i don't discount that at all, but there have been lots of things in life that i've wanted that i've missed out on. and i know it's really terrible to wish bad things upon other people, but that's it i suppose. no one is perfect, i guess. it's just so fucking hard to see people who don't deserve to get what they want be satisfied in the end. every single time. it's such a frustrating experience, seeing people for how they are and watching them deceive pretty much everyone else. and you're this, and you're that because you just don't agree. sometimes i think that maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm the terrible one, but then i get to thinking and thinking and thinking and then i realize that my rationale for disliking the people i dislike it perfectly justified, at least most of the time. i can even make lists. that's not to say that i am mary poppins or anything, though. i miss valuing honesty as much as i did when i was younger, and i miss being less vain, and i miss assuming the best in people and i miss being more comfortable and warm towards people and less withdrawn and awkward but i guess that's what happens as you get older, though, at least to me. it's funny how the person you were in the past can totally trap you. i guess to some degree, all of the things i've done in the past however-many-years was to distance myself from that, but sometimes i just feel like i've distanced myself from myself, or the essence of myself or what have you. i just don't feel so genuine anymore, probably because i am not. but it doesn't bother me that much, i just hate to think of how everyone else sees me.

i felt so weird last night and today. it's not something specific, it's not even bad, it's just different. i feel like i'm just waiting for something to happen, and i know it's not good. it's not really terrifying or nerve wrecking but it's just this weird, patient, calm expectancy. like i've already dealt with it, but it hasn't come yet. i am finding myself being less and less surprised by people. things will make me mad, and disappoint me a little bit, but i am mostly never surprised. and i don't even particularly care anymore. one thing i can say for sure is that i do have some pretty excellent friends. and i am so happy, but i just can't help but wonder if it's fleeting or something. i hate myself sometimes, this is kind of hilarious.

this is pretty long.

onebigdeadend @ 2007-09-05T20:19:00

2007-09-05T22:59:04Z

my reading list for this fall:

~~oedipus rex~~
doctor faustus
suddenly last summer
miss julie
the cherry orchard
school for scandal
~~the second shepherd's play~~
beowulf
selections from the canterbury tales (untranslated!)
excerpts from paradise lost
excerpts(?) from gulliver's travels
utopia
rape of the lock
king lear
plus readings from english on authors and so on
russian readings

why am i so excited about this.
i am going to try to get the majority of the plays finished before september ends.
which is what i am going get a start on right now!